The topic of this entry was inspired by a friend out in Colorado. She’s in the trenches of potty training her son and recently expressed wonder as to why her friends had never warned her that potty training can be scary. Which got me to thinking, ’tis the season to share scary stories! (And what’s scarier than poop?)

I’ll start… About five years ago, we were out and about when J. T. announced he had “poopies”. We were in “training” at the time and I’d taken a chance putting him in “big boy” underwear, aka, underwear with a superhero on them. (As if the presence of the superhero would influence our son to use the toilet.)  As his shorts sagged with the extra weight I guided him to the nearest public restroom. I carefully removed his underwear, leaned over and proceeded to discard the remnants into the toilet, which created a splash that, as if in slow motion, soaked me full on in the face. Not enough abrasive facial cleanser in the world. 

A friend in Pennsylvania sent me this little gem. Her son was taking a shower while she helped her daughter with homework. Until he walked into the kitchen with the shampoo bottle, handed it to her and then, in her other hand, he placed a “huge, man sized…” you get the picture. She turned to her daughter and they broke out into uncontrollable laughter. After reading that one, I came close to having my own potty accident. When the tears cleared, I thought, now what other kiddo would have the courtesy to not leave it in the shower for someone to stumble upon later. If you think about it, it was really a thoughtful gesture on his part. Falling under the category of picking up your own mess… but then handing it to Mommy. 

And then there is the Poop v. Slide story. This hails from Texas. And yes, it’s a whopper. My sister took her two daughters to a fairly chi-chi park in Fort Worth. Now, if you have the common misconceptions about Texans, you’re envisioning moms dressed to the nines with every big hair in its place. In this instance, you’d be right on. So you can imagine my sister’s sheer mortification when she realized that her 2 year old had not only pooped all down the slide, leaving a generous dollop at the landing, but that another woman’s child had actually slid through it. I’m pretty sure Sis will not be returning to that particular park. Or even that she’d be allowed back in.

Back to my friend in Colorado, so far she’s been playing offense in the battle to potty train her son by always being prepared. After a successful week she was feeling pretty confident. (And we all know that’s when they get ya.)  After a park outing he announces he’s pooped (and I don’t mean tired). They head to the truck and well, let me let her tell it… “He lays down for me to change him.  As I take his shoes off, blue jeans, and then go for the underwear, yep, a big poop. I am trying to get the underwear off, so as I get it, the poop gets on his legs and starts to fall out, I grab it with my hands and the poop falls out of his underwear and lands on his chest. He screams, my eyes pop out.  But, I have to stay calm.  I just pick it up.  And put it into a doggy bag.  I now have poop on me too.  I stay calm although I want to scream. I then clean everything up and take a wipe to clean myself and him. The whole time I am thinking of the slide story and really want to just puke! I then have to drive around town with a big poop in a bag in my backseat until I get home. I placed everything in my trash can, his underwear included.” 

(I’ll give you a moment to take a breath and remove your hands from your gaping mouth. Well, at least I needed that moment when I originally read her story.)

I searched the net for more hilarious horror stories. (Really, once you get past that gag reflex, these stories are funny.)  I came across a site where one mom, so obviously frustrated with the messiness of parenting, posted a desperate plea for some funny potty training stories. She went so far as to say do not send advice, she’d had enough. Just needed a good laugh to get her through. I scrolled down thinking I’d hit the jack-pot, but not one response fit the bill. They each included words of support, advice, tips. Not a scary story in the bunch! I felt for her. We’ve all been there. Those times when you can’t take in any more advice, ya just need a good laugh.   

There are no magic words of advice that can get you through the horrors of cleaning up poop or to help get passed the “I need to be scrubbed down like Meryl Streep in ‘Silkwood’!” feeling. I believe, you just do whatever works for each child, whether it’s M&Ms (1 for No. 1 and 2 for No. 2) or piddle targets or cheering like a college co-ed when you hear the most successful sound to a potty training parent, “Plop!”. So when it gets scary out there, do what my friend in Colorado did, stay calm and then what girlfriend out in Pennsylvania did, just laugh. And my only advice, is be mindful of the splash!

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