What is that lady laughing at?
November 13th, 2008, 1:32 pm · 4 Comments · posted by ewingert
Confession: I hate grocery shopping. I do. Not the stores, just the task. I simply dread the (at least) once a week mandatory trip. I make a list, sometimes it’s just in my head, which guarantees I will forget a lot of stuff and have to go back. I am easily distracted by all the pretty colors, packaging, and things I didn’t know I needed until I saw it. In an attempt to alleviate the monotony of grocery shopping I’ve tried using the time to catch up with family and friends on the cell phone. But I have found this really screws me up. I can’t do both. I’ll get engrossed in chatting and cruise through whole aisles missing items from my list completely. Which means I gotta double back and start over.
And don’t get me started on going with children. Ah, too late. As many of you have experienced, this can be equal to the discomfort of a root canal. “I want to ride on the cart.” “Why will it flip over?” “Can I have…?”, “PLEASE?!” “But whyyyyy not?” “What’s high fructose corn syrup?” “I like syrup.” “But the (insert ANY cartoon character here) popsicles are way better than the all fruit ones!” Nails on a chalkboard.
But I have discovered the grocery store holds some mild secret entertainment. The other day a product stopped me in my wobbly grocery cart tracts. Foca, liquid detergent for clothes. When I read the product name a spontaneous laugh slipped out, causing another woman in the aisle to give me that we-don’t-have-fun-at-the-grocery-store glare. Foca, in big red letters on a blue bottle with a seal on the label. Now, I actually knew (learned it from a Goldie Hawn movie, but double checked on the internet) that Foca is Portuguese for Seal. Despite knowing it has a true meaning, still funny. Say it out loud, and just try not to giggle.
This next one I spotted by chance in the little organic food section at the neighborhood store. Soyrizo. Soy-rizo. I did a double take. Then took a photo, e-mailed it to Stephan and jokingly inquired if he wanted me to pick some up. If you’re not familiar with Mexican food, Chorizo is a spicy (and I mean spicy) pork sausage. A very manly food. Puts hair on your chest. It is my husband’s first love. My dad would probably put it in cereal if my mom would let him. And my brother-in-law is completely insulted if it is even remotely suggested he have a bean & cheese breakfast taco, hold the chorizo. The fact that it’s a pretty hearty sausage with no redeeming healthy qualities, makes it incomprehensible that Soy-rizo can come close to tasting like the real thing. In my opinion, it’s just wrong!
In the pet aisle, Kitty Grass. Pricilla’s Kitty Grass, “It’s not just for kitties any more.” Live Kitty Grass, $4.99. I just.. can’t… won’t say anything about that.
And I don’t think I need to elaborate too much on Boudreaux’s Butt Paste (for severe diaper rash, incase you didn’t know) or from the meat counter, big sign overhead, “Pork Butt Special”. Seriously.
The pharmacy aisles don’t disappoint. There I have discovered Super Macho Supplements and Dr. J.H. McLean’s Volcanic Oil, Turpentine Oil Pain Relieving Liniment. The supplements are packaged in an eye-catching bright yellow box with a stud-ly bull head on the label which immediately appealed to my pure curiosity. On the label, “high potency formula with bovine glandular concentrate”. That’s where my curiosity ended and I put the box back on the shelf. Some things I just don’t need to know about.
As for the liniment, I got the impression from the packaging this product has been around for a while. Yep. Developed in the 1800’s by a Mr. McLean (medicine was more of a hobby) to treat various ailments from muscle aches, sprains, bug bites and it’s even a “convenient home liniment for livestock.” (For external use only) The product contains pure gum turpentine and sassafras. All funny stuff. But you’ve got to wonder, if a product has been around for over 120 years, it might actually be worth trying. My great Granny-Bo had a home liniment recipe and we all swear by it. Smelled awful, in a clear-your-nasal-passages way, but it worked great.
So if you find grocery runs tedious, monotonous, draining or boring, next time be on the look out for the funny side of shopping. It won’t take more time, all the items listed above were discovered at various stores over the course of numerous regularly scheduled trips. (Just to clarify, I wasn’t some nut job running from aisle to aisle reading labels and laughing hysterically by myself, in case that’s what you envisioned.) I’m not promising you’ll actually look forward to the task of grocery shopping, just a slightly more bearable experience. But try to keep your giggles to yourself so as not to disturb the other shoppers.
I can only imagine what Mike would think if I made him SOY-RIZO tacos!
I hear ya. I’d be laughed out of the kitchen!
Eryn, you have such a wonderful outlook on life! Its takes a special person to turn an often stressful chore into an adventure! I’ll definitely have a new perspective for my next shopping trip.
Since you’ve opened the door to grocery adventures, I’d like to share with you (vent) about one of our shopping rituals. We do the typical drop by the grocery store for fresh fruit, veggies, milk, etc. (which usually end up with too many can’t live without special bargains added on) But for our main purchases we are blessed to be able to go to a military commissary. (The savings can be fantastic!) The drawback is that in pure military style, my husband has designed our visits such that can only be classified as fully planned and executed full-blown military maneuvers. We have our grocery list (appropriations request) on an excel spreadsheet, with items listed as they are positioned on the store shelves, aisle by aisle. Our pre-shopping preparations include a comprehensive inventory to identify our supplies list, highlighting needed items and quantities required. We then requisition (call ahead and special order) large quantity items (like enough canned dog food to feed three basset hounds for two months). Coupons are reviewed and pre-sorted. D-day comes and we transport with 2 large coolers (to protect the deli and frozen food). For increased expediency we will sometimes split the list, with one of us starting at the front of the store while the other starts in the middle. If all goes well, we have a succesfull mission accomplished with only a few “not-on-the-list” items and one or two skirmishes while in the store. (”I can’t read your writing” “how many different types of soap do we really need???” Almost anally efficient, it does make each trip a pita, I mean adventure.
Can’t wait for your next article! Happy Thanksgiving!!
Charlie, that is hard core shopping. Due to your description I can totally picture the assault on the commissary!